??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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