I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
