guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
