there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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