The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize