Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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