dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
