At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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