im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
