The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
