I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
