note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
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