im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize