the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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