It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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