Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Soap is not a condiment
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
