I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
