can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize