im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
