my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
