i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
