Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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