i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
