i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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