My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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