So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
