i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We need to rekindle our bromance
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
