I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize