Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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