In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize