Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
