I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
