Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize