So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
