Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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