i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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