I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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