I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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