I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
