I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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