peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
