3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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