Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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