dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
is wine microwaveable?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
