Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
