I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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