so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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