btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
