My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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