hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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