Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
