you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
