the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
