I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
