Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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